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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "you would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "what do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
A drunken guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked.
The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.''
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.''
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.''
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''
Death of An Innocent I went to a party, Mum, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mum, so I drank coke instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mum, the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mum, even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mum, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mum, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mum, I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mum, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn't see me, Mum, and hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mum, I hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mum, and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mum. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mum? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mum, and most of it is mine.
I hear the paramedic say, Mum, I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mum, I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mum. The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mum? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, mum, and I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mum. Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mum, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mum, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mum, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mum. I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mum. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mum, before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?
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